Why do some people stay in abusive relationships despite the pain and suffering? The answer often lies in trauma bonding, a psychological phenomenon where victims form strong attachments to their abusers. Research indicates that trauma bonds can develop in as little as a few weeks of intermittent abuse and affection.
By exploring the signs and stages of trauma bonding, you can better understand how to support those trapped in these toxic relationships.
This article aims to shed light on what is a trauma bond relationship and provide strategies for breaking these destructive ties.
What Is a Trauma Bond Relationship And Its Signs?
According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, a trauma bond is defined as “dysfunctional attachments that occur in the presence of danger, shame, or exploitation.”
Here are six signs of a trauma bond.
- You believe the narcissist is a good person with good intentions, even though evidence suggests otherwise.
- If you objectively analyze your relationship, you’d likely advise a friend to leave, but trauma bonding keeps you from doing so.
- You constantly walk on eggshells, blaming yourself for their abusive behaviour and believing you can change to “fix” the relationship.
- Minimal gestures from the narcissist are highly appreciated, while their abusive behaviour is rationalized or minimized.
- You live in your head, overthinking and blaming yourself while chasing an unrealistic fantasy future.
- Your self-confidence, self-worth, and sense of identity have diminished, with your behaviour and personality changing to suit the narcissist’s desires.
- You give significantly to the relationship but receive mostly pain, suffering, and punishment in return.
- Despite no lasting improvements, you hold onto false hope, convincing yourself things will get better.
- You feel addicted to the narcissist, seeking them for both comfort and pain relief after incidents of abuse.
- You tolerate behaviour you never imagined you’d accept, like lying, cheating, or abuse, but find it impossible to let go.
- Friends would likely advise you to leave the relationship, confirming what you already know deep down.
- The narcissist may have started a smear campaign, causing friends to doubt you and view you as the problem.
- Even if you leave, the narcissist can easily lure you back with simple tricks like apologies, promises to change, or nostalgic statements.
- You return because you can’t handle the withdrawal symptoms, even though you’re aware of the manipulation.
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Stages of Trauma Bonding
The love bomb stage
The first stage is the “love bomb” phase, where you receive an overwhelming amount of affection and affirmation, often making you feel special and loved in ways you may have never experienced before. This stage feels healthy at the start, creating an emotional high.
Getting Validation
In the second stage, the person works to gain your trust and dependency. You begin to rely on them for validation, and over time, you may isolate yourself, feeling as though you only need them. This dependence often leads to a codependent relationship.
Criticism
The third stage introduces criticism. Slowly, the person begins to criticize and blame you for various things, subtly eroding your self-esteem.
Manipulation
Then, in the fourth stage, manipulation or gaslighting occurs. In this stage, the person manipulates you into believing their version of events, causing you to doubt yourself.
Give Up
In the fifth stage, you begin to give up control. You no longer know what to believe, and the only way to experience the good feelings from the love bomb phase is to comply with whatever the other person wants. Many people in this stage feel trapped in a relationship that has become a trauma bond, and the fear of conflict prevents them from speaking up.
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Losing Yourself
The sixth stage is losing yourself. When you attempt to resist, things often worsen, leading you to settle for whatever brings peace. At this point, you may lose confidence, and the relationship feels like a constant battle.
It’s crucial to seek help, especially if you’re the one inflicting trauma, or else the situation may spiral further.
Addiction
The seventh and final stage is an addiction to the cycle. You become addicted to the highs and lows, with your body constantly in a state of stress.
You crave dopamine, which can lead to destructive behaviours and even addiction, in a desperate attempt to feel good. The person may pull you back to stage one with love bombing, reigniting the cycle and making it hard to break free from the relationship.
What Are Some Ways To Break Trauma Bonds?
You can break free from trauma bonds by a process called “stacking” that involves four key steps: Stop, Submit, Struggle, and Strike. Here’s a breakdown of each step:
The first step is awareness. You have to become aware of what’s actually happening. You have to be aware of the cycle, of the push and pull, of the intermittent reinforcement, of the fact that this person is manipulating you and controlling you.
You have to be aware of the lies, the deception, the gaslighting, all the things that are happening to keep you stuck.
Once you’re aware, the next step is acceptance. You have to accept the reality of the situation, that this person is not good for you, that they are toxic, that they are hurting you, that they do not have your best interests at heart.
Acceptance is hard because it means letting go of the fantasy, of the hope, of the potential that you think this person has. But you have to accept the reality of who they are and what they’re doing to you.
The next step is action. You have to take action to break free. This might mean going no contact, blocking them on all social media, deleting their number, or removing any reminders of them from your life.
It might mean seeking therapy or counselling to help you process the trauma and heal from the abuse. It might mean surrounding yourself with a support system of friends and family who can help you stay strong and hold you accountable.
Wrap Up
Understanding the stages of trauma bonding might help you break free from damaging cycles. Even if you’re single right now, educating yourself about this can save you from heartbreak in the future.
